


To Be or Not to Be?

by Rub1l



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Character Bashing, Dark Sides As Family (Sanders Sides), Fluff and Angst, Gen, I wrote this in the middle of an emotional meltdown, Morality | Patton Sanders Needs a Hug, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Sweetheart, So much angst, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Dark Sides (Sanders Sides), Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, They're Not, Touch-Starved Morality | Patton Sanders, beware the angst, in this fic anyway, obviously, poor Patton, seriously who decided that the dark sides were evil, so maybe venting, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:40:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28539744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rub1l/pseuds/Rub1l
Summary: My own take on MythMonarchOfDarknes's Death Conditions - https://archiveofourown.org/works/27889966Every side had a ‘Death Condition’, an event or item of some sort that could ‘kill’ them. Dying for a side was nothing like ducking out, their job, their aspect would just become automatic as opposed to vanishing along with them. Rather than having a side argue and convince Thomas of their point, Thomas had to do it on his own. For Patton, it would be similar to Thomas choosing honesty despite Janus masquerading as Thomas’s Morality.Can the others save Patton before it's too late?
Comments: 16
Kudos: 61





	1. The Tempest

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Death Condition](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27889966) by [MythMonarchOfDarkness](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MythMonarchOfDarkness/pseuds/MythMonarchOfDarkness). 



> I really enjoyed this story and was heartbroken when there were so few stories about a touch-starved Patton. 
> 
> So I wrote one. 
> 
> Also, this is my first fic so please be kind. Feedback is appreciated!
> 
> Best of luck!

Every side had a death condition, something that could metaphorically kill them. Dying for a side wasn’t the same in the mindscape as it was in real life. The side would simply cease to have a corporeal form that existed in Thomas’ head. There would be nobody there to argue with Thomas and challenge him to look at the issue from their point of view. It would be very much like Thomas choosing honestly despite Janus pretending to be Patton. 

The light sides had decided to tell the others what their weakness was. The signs to watch out for. The things that could separate them from their family. It took a while but eventually Roman, Logan, and Virgil had reached a point where they felt like they could tell the others, tell Patton, the one thing that could rip them from Patton’s loving hands. 

Patton didn’t tell anyone. Obviously, Janus knew but that’s because he was Thomas’s secret-keeper. He knew all the secrets and lies that passed the sides’ lips. It wasn’t as unnerving as you would think it to be. 

Patton simply didn’t think that it would be a possibility, something that could happen to him. 

This wasn’t even supposed to be a possibility but here I am. My mistakes weigh heavy on my shoulders as I cast a longing glance at the stairs. My eyes burn as I hearing nothing, see nothing, and sense nothing coming down those stairs. 

It’s been about 22 days since the last episode. 22 days of eating breakfast alone. 22 days of being avoided. 22 days since Roman slammed the door in my face and demanded that I leave him alone. 22 days since Logan methodically told me that it would be best if I didn’t annoy him or take up his time. 22 days since Virgil has learned that I accepted Janus and told me that I was nothing to him. 

22 days since Roman has hugged me and told me that we were going on a grand adventure. 22 since Logan has leaned up against me on the couch as he read. 22 days since Virgil has demanded Patton cuddles to make him feel better. 

22 days since the others have touched me. 22 days since the others have needed me.

And I’ve only become weaker. 

My kiddos need me yet I’m not strong enough. I’m not understanding enough. I’m not gentle enough. 

I’m not enough. 

The food in front of me no longer looks appealing but I know I need to eat. The burning in my veins will only get worse if I don’t. The burning of my death condition is already enough without adding food starvation to the pity plate. 

I’ve always made food for everyone in the mind palace. Even the dark sides, despite not liking them. We used to eat together. We used to sit at the table and laugh with each other. Talk to each other. We used to be a family.

But that was before the video. Will they be able to feed themselves when I’m gone?

Will they care when I’m gone?

I sigh and grab one plate. There’s no use hoping for someone to come down the stairs. No one dares after the last video. I wrap up the rest of the food and place it in the fridge. 

I know why I’m feeling like this, I’m not stupid. I’m Thomas’ heart, his emotions. As such, I know and feel what the other sides feel. What they all feel. It’s how I knew when to stop teasing. It’s how I used to help my kiddos. But now it sounds like a death toll. 

With everyone’s emotions so violent and so brutal, is it any surprise that the price is Patton’s sanity? 

With the other sides avoiding him, is it any surprise that Patton is wasting away?

That combined with the burning that fills my vein is as good as the judge signing my death warrant. And the others don’t even know it. 

I considered telling them a while ago but even facing my death, I refuse to make them uncomfortable. To make them feel like touching me was an obligation. Their job. Something that they needed to do. We were supposed to be a family. 

I sigh and sit at the table, my knees popping as I collapse onto the chair. I eat the food mechanically but it does nothing to appease the hunger in my bones. The hunger that claws at the inside of my ribs.

I should start stocking up on the food I’ll need for the last few days in the mind palace. It was hard enough climbing down the stairs today, let alone in a few more days when it gets worse.

The other sides wouldn’t care either way. Not with how they’ve been avoiding me. Ignoring me. Running and escaping a room if I enter it.

It’s not like I deserve to be forgiven. I hurt them and that’s why I deserve any punishment that I get. 

Because Roman can’t look me in the eye. His avoidance of the issue stings. The shake in his hands when Janus speaks at the weekly meeting that the sides have. His hands fiddle with the hilt of his sword that now is a permanent accessory. Roman’s glances that he thinks I don’t see. Eyes full of mistrust and anguish. How reluctant he is to throw an idea out after the last video. His once vibrant brown hair now a murky swamp color. The bags under his eyes a violent purple. 

Because Logan, even with all his logic, can’t bear to share facts with me. His mouth that used to spill over with facts and truth now stands closed, zipped by my very own hands. His eyes shifting from side to side but never resting. His voice that used to be so energetic and dynamic when teaching us new things is now monotone. Rarely volunteering any information unless asked.

Because Virgil now flinches when I turn towards him. When I gesture or try to talk to him. His hands now constantly fiddling with a fidget cube to keep himself grounded. His eyeshadow as dark as the day he first appeared. 

I haven’t even seen Remus or Janus since the meeting two weeks ago. 

I wasn’t even invited to the most recent one and no one came to get me. Not that he expected them to but it hurt more than he thought it would. 

There was more laughter and the emotions were lighter when he wasn’t around. 

They didn’t need him. That much was obvious. 

The thoughts are grim but ring with undeniable truthfulness.

I clean up and leave the kitchen. 

It looks like I was never there in the first place.


	2. All's Well That Ends Well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton needs help and he gets it from the most unlikely person. Or maybe the most likely person after all things are considered.

My knuckles are white as I pull myself up the staircase, a bundle of food in my other hand, and my legs braced on the steps.

The shaking started 2 days ago. I didn’t think that the end would start so soon. It’s almost poetically ironic if I wanted to think about it. Would Virgil be able to write a poem about my suffering?

It’s now the 26th day since the episode.

Nothing is keeping me in the mind palace. Not really. They don’t need me and my mistakes. They don’t need their father-figure like I thought they always would.

The feelings between the light sides shifted yesterday and I could feel every excruciating detail as it did. The bonds between Logan, Roman, and Virgil became stronger and stronger. Patton was very obviously no longer a light side, as he had been excluded from this growing bond.

That’s never happened before.

But Patton also hadn’t been dying before so there’s that too.

The basket in my hands nearly slips but I catch it in the knick of time. The small movement fills my head with grey fog and the earth spins on its axle. All I can do at this point is to keep my death grip on the railing and hope for the best.

Eventually, the dizzy episode passes and I can claw my way up the stairs. My room, covered in sky blue paint, is so close yet so far away. Just a few feet yet it takes me close to an hour to make it to the doorway.

I open the entry and I sigh, again, in relief. It looks like this will be my last trip down into the common area. The last chance that the others will notice that something is wrong.

“Patton?”

The sudden use of my name startles me and I whip my head towards the sound. Or at least I try to.

The sudden movement throws my balance off and the world is, once again, spinning. Pain blossoms in my body as I start to collapse and panic blooms in my chest. The burning and clawing of my hunger pounds in my chest, threatening to make me throw up. My head becomes nearly a hundred times heavier as my knees hit the floor and pop forcefully. I clamp a hand against my mouth and my eyes slide shut as my other arm clutches my midsection.

“Oh Patton,” the voice coos sympathetically and suddenly there is a hand on my shoulder.

I let out a pitiful whimper as my hands abandon whatever they were doing before and instead clutch at the hand on my shoulder. Desperately clinging to the calming effects it has on the burning in my ribs.

“You _can die_ on me Patton, I would absolutely _not mourn you_ and everything that you do for Thomas.” The hand shifts on my shoulder and pulls away.

I squint at the figure in front of me as I try to chase the hand and the calming effects of contact. Janus. It has to be. No one else can mimic that suave tone. Not even Roman.

Instead of placing his hand back on my shoulder, he scoops me up into his arms, nearly on his lap. The calming effects of his single touch increase exponentially. “How long Patton? How long has it been since you were last touched?” His voice is still gentle as he tightens his grip on me.

“26 days,” my voice is hoarse due to disuse and is muffled against Janus’ chest.

“26 days!” He hisses. His voice remains gentle but there is no mistaking the anger that lays in his tone. The s is drawn out and I can feel his arms tightening almost painfully around my torso. I would tell him that it hurt a little but the touch is still so calming and I don’t want him to let go. He starts to curse under his breath as he gets angrier and angrier. I can feel it along my spine but the touch grounds me in a way nothing else can or ever will be able to.

My door snaps closed as he starts to sink us into the ground, still cursing under his breath, but he has managed to grasp better control of his emotions now.

The velvety blackness doesn’t last for long but it doesn’t lash out at me like I expect it to. We pop up in what I assume is the dark side’s living room.

“Nus, what’s pop doing here, and why are you carrying him?” Remus feels concerned. I can practically smell it dripping from him.

It takes me a second but I realize that Janus is carrying me bridal style but my feelings are the farthest thing from my mind right now that it doesn’t cause me much embarrassment. In fact, everything is the farthest thing from my mind. Everything except Janus’ touch.

“Can I tell him, Patton?” Janus asks. My death condition. Of course, Remus would have to know it to understand what’s going on. So I nod, my face still buried in Janus’ chest. It’s not like I particularly care right now.

“Patton has gotten far too close to his death condition. Had I not intervened when I did, well… nothing good would’ve come of it. Right now he’s quite literally starving for touch.” His voice is still as gentle as he can make it.  
Janus steps forward, towards Remus and the couch he is laying on. “Can you put some clothes on,” that’s almost too much information, “and expand the couch.” I don’t know what to expect next but I don’t sense any apprehension from Janus and I also don’t feel anything disrupting the calming waves that are coming from touch so I don’t even bother to waste the energy and worry about what’s about to happen.

A slight stretching sound later and I am being laid on the couch. The material that I can feel is much softer than I would’ve expected from the dark sides but they’ve been shocking today, so I simply tack it onto the list of things to think about later.

The fabric of Janus’ outfit is clenched in my fingers, pulling the man towards me and refusing to let him escape. He doesn’t even try to, opting to lay down beside me instead. Another body, most likely Remus’, joins him at my back and together they send waves upon waves of pleasure and cooling floods that combat the burning in my veins and the creature that had been pounding against my chest.

I feel myself slipping away. Not into the abyss like I would’ve assumed, but into slumber. With the feel of the two dark sides’ bodies against mine, I fall into the first peaceful sleep since the video.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be a part three so if you want to receive updates, make sure to subscribe!


	3. The Serpent of Venice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus and Remus have a conversation and somethings are remembered. Plus fluff.

“How did it get this far?” Remus asks. It has only been a few minutes since I’ve found Patton but it feels like forever. Patton is soundly asleep and recovering but I don’t pull away in fear that it will set him off. 

“I don’t know.” My voice is still as gentle as I can make it.

“How did they let it get this far?” Remus hisses harshly. His normal outfit has been replaced by something softer, something less gaudy. “How did they not notice?”

“I don’t know,” my voice cracks on the last word. How could they? _How could they?_

“What do you know then?” Remus's voice is gentler than it was a few seconds ago. I look up from staring at Patton and all I see in his eyes is anger. Not at me. Not at Patton. But _for_ Patton.

“His death condition is touch starvation. If he goes without touch for extended periods of time he will -” I can’t say that he’ll die but Remus seems to understand. I move on. “He hasn’t been touched for 26 days. Since the last episode.”

Remus stills the moment the words are out of my mouth. He glances down at the man cradled in between us and then back up at me. His mouth opens and shuts a few times before it closes with an audible click. He removes one hand Patton and waves it in the air conjuring a blanket.

“Your favorite?” I ask in surprise. The only reason Remus pulls out _this_ blanket is in times of emotional distress. The night of the video when I went to apologize for calling him evil was the last time I saw it. We worked through it so the blanket disappeared that night but it’s still surprising to see. Especially since he has never shared it before. 

“Patton made me this blanket, ya know,” he flares the blanket slightly and it settles evenly on Patton’s sleeping form. “I think if anyone needs it right now, it’s him.”

He’s not wrong.

“How did the light sides not notice?” Remus’s voice cracks just like mine and he buries his face in Patton’s shoulder. He may not be serious most of the time but when he is… it’s only for the important things. 

“I don’t know.” That seems to be my new catchphrase. I wave my hand and my ordinary outfit is replaced with soft pajamas. Patton gasps slightly at the change and snuggles deeper into our hold. 

“We both need sleep,” Remus says tenderly, “Patton’s going to need us when he wakes up and we should be prepared for that.”

I can only nod and tighten my grip around both men. ‘Yeah, sleep works.’

  
  


That is until we both feel a tugging sensation. A summoning. But not by Thomas. 

“Nus, do you wanna go or should I?” Remus’s voice is gravelly and rough. 

Before I make my decision, I look down at Patton and I smile softly. “I should go, it seems like Patton is rather attached to you at the moment.” Attached is a mild term, Patton is practically wrapped around Remus and Remus is just as wrapped around Patton. It looks like Remus's tentacles came out last night and wrapped themselves around Patton. Not that Patton seems to mind though. 

Remus opens one of his eyes and squints at me. “That was a poor dad joke and you know it. Just wait, when Patton wakes up he’ll have you beat. You seem like a masochist. Maybe he’ll even use a real whip to do it.”

I just snort and sit up off the couch, snapping my hands as I do so. My comfortable pajamas shift and are replaced by the usual material. I reach my hand out and grasp my hat from the air as it appears. 

“Give them hell, Nus,” Remus whispers, settling back down on the couch to embrace Patton.

“Send me something if Patton wakes up or you need help, okay?” I can’t help but worry.

“Ok, dad”‘ Remus mocks me but it’s lighthearted. 

I sink out of the living room, waving goodbye to Patton and Remus, into the inky blackness that is the between. 

I follow the tugging at my naval and I quickly pop back up into the Light side’s living room.

“You snake! What did you do to Patton?” Roman shouts at me. Oh, this? 

Now they’re concerned? Now after everything that they’ve done to Patton? My mind shifts back to how Patton looked right before I approached him in that hallway. It feels forever ago but I know, logically, it was just a few hours ago. 

Patton’s pale and papery white skin. His sunken in eyes as they gazed into his room. Dead and knowing. His weak figure leaning against the doorway as he threw what appeared to be a basket of food into his room. His clothes hung off his figure. If I were to use one word to describe the scene at the time, it would be hopeless. Patton looked hopeless. Thomas’ _heart_ and center of emotions were hopeless.

And after he’d called Patton’s name? 

The terror that had consumed him isn’t gone yet. The shock in his eyes at someone saying his name. _How long has it been since these light sides have bothered talking to Patton?_ The sound of his knees hitting the floor and the glazed over look in his eyes before they slipped shut. _How had Patton managed to keep his sanity?_ The mouth on his stomach its own story of how likely he was to throw up at the time and the arm wrapped around his midsection told another. _How much has he eaten the past few days?_

And when I’d put my hand on his shoulder?

When Patton abandoned all other functions to simply and desperately clutch at his hand. _Did the other sides not see how desperate he was for touch?_ The whimper that Patton had given off when I’d pulled away still rings in my ears. _How had the others not seen it?_ The desperation Patton had, crawling and attempting to follow my hand. _Why hadn’t Patton told them?_ The way Patton collapsed in relief when I had pulled him into my arms. _How much pain was he in?_

The Patton he’d left in the dark side's living room was alive and that’s what matters but after everything that had led up to Patton being in that situation? 

Well, to put it simply, Janus was _furious._

And the other sides were about to find out why he was so much worse when he was furious, when his protective instincts were triggered.

Remus issued a challenge. To give them hell. Challenge accepted. 

And if I got some answers as I did so, well, no one had to know. Now did they?

I adjust the hat on my head and flare my eyes as a slippery smile grows on my mouth.

“Light sides, what can I do for you on this _spectacular_ morning?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It'll take me a little bit longer to get the 4th part up and running because I haven't written it yet. But it will be here within the next week or so.


	4. Antony and Cleopatra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus gets angry and confronts the light side. Plus some interesting things come to light.

“Light sides, what can I do for you on this  _ spectacular _ morning?” 

“We are aware that Patton is currently in the dark sides area of the mind palace and-”

“We want him back!” Roman screams at me, cutting off Logan. 

“Ah, I  _ don’t understand _ what’s going on here.” The lie slips off my tongue and I watch with glee as Roman flinches. 

“While that is not how I would’ve phrased it, yes, we request that Patton be returned to the light sides,” Logan glances at Roman before folding his hands in front of him. “We also request that you tell us why Patton ended up in the dark sides’ area of the mind palace.”

Oh, this is rich. It seems that without Patton to keep them in check, their emotions go unchecked. I quirk one eyebrow and say nothing. It's not like they deserve an explanation.

Not after what they did to Patton.

“You filthy snake!” Roman shouts. He pulls his sword from his hip and holds the blade under my chin. 

“Violent, aren’t we? What a feisty boy.” It’s laughable how easily they forget that I grew up with Remus. 

“What would Patton say about such an unnecessary act of violence?” The way they pale and glance at each other fills me with delight. 

“What would you know about Patton? You know nothing!” Roman shrieks at me. 

“Are you impersonating a hag right now because you’ve got their shriek almost perfect.” I’m not wrong. He’s been shouting this whole, pitiful, conversation and it’s starting to make my ears ring. 

“That behavior is uncalled for Deceit.” Logan attempts to scold me. He doesn’t even bother to try to use my name. Unless Roman didn't tell them that it was Janus. I wouldn’t put it below him. And from their behavior during this little meeting, combined with what I know about Patton’s condition, I doubt that they’ve stopped to ask Patton what happened during the last video.

“What have you done with Patton?” Virgil asks softly. Almost as if he remembers that I don’t kidnap people without good reasons. Almost as if he remembers that I’m not a villain. 

Patton isn’t the only one Virgil has hurt. 

“ _I haven’t done anything to Patton._ ” That is most definitely a lie. After all, Remus and I saved him… through cuddles. It’s adorable if you really think about it. 

“So you have done something to him,” Logan affirms. Was he always this logical and unemotional?

“Have you hurt him?” The three light sides all ask the question at the same time. They must share a single brain cell.

“ _ I  _ haven’t hurt him.” But they most definitely have. “It’s my turn for a question in this demented game of 20 questions, when was the last time you even saw Patton?”

“What’s that supposed to mean!?” Roman decares defensively. 

“The night of the video,” Virgil’s tone drips with guilt but I ignore it. He doesn’t get to feel guilty for something that was preventable if only they’d talked. If only they’d noticed something was wrong. 

“And you didn’t think that would have consequences?” I snarl and lash out at them. I’ve kept myself contained this far but their responses just fan the flames of anger in my chest. 

“No. We needed time to recover from how Patton hurt us. And Patton needed time to come to terms that he hurt us.” Logan is so  _ logical.  _ It’s disgusting how easily he can write off the abuse and neglect that Patton suffered at their hands.

Virgil’s face blooms with understanding but he still says nothing.

“Did you ever ask Patton what he needed?” I don’t bother stopping the venom that coats the words. 

“What would you know about what Patton needs?” At least Roman has stopped yelling at me. 

“ _ Nothing - _ ” before I can finish my sentence Remus pops up in front of me. His eyes are blown wide and his hands shake as they grip my shoulders. He doesn’t say anything as he quickly sinks back down, pulling me with him. 

It takes me a second but I realize that Remus is still in his softer clothes and is drenched in water. His mustache sags and his tentacles are twitching. They curl up around forearms and then dart to wrap around his ribs, as if they don’t know what to do with themselves. He starts to fidget with the bracelets around his wrist as he pulls me to sit beside Patton on the dark sides’ couch. 

“What happened?” The words are choked as worst-case scenarios flash through my mind. 

“I don’t know,” Remus stresses the words as he lays back down next to Patton. “You left and a few minutes went by and then I-” he chokes on the words but before I can ask what he did he moves on, “Patton started shifting around and reaching out for you. He was saying things too.”

I look down at the sleeping man and run my hands through his hair. “What was he saying?”

“He was-” Remus’s words are choked and he has to take a moment to collect himself before he can tell me. I wave my hand and his clothes are dry again. “He was shouting about how their emotions were dangerous. He started rambling about how badly they could cut you down if you weren’t already strong.”

The words make my breath hitch and my hands stop in Patton’s hair for a moment. How could I have forgotten? Bile rolls in my stomach and the implications of Patton’s words make me light-headed. 

“Nus? What did he mean?” Remus doesn’t know and I’m not sure how he'll take the news.

“Patton he-” the words catch in my throat. “He’s Thomas’s heart and emotions. His sense of morality. He’s what gives the other sides the ability to feel things on an emotional level.” Remus understands.

“Without him there... if he doesn’t have a seat at the table...” his words trail off as the light sides’ actions come fully into the light.  
  
“The light sides might lose their ability to feel if Patton doesn’t get better soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far! I should have the next one up in a few days. I've already started to write it so there shouldn't be any problems unless I get writer's block. 
> 
> Have a great day!


	5. Julius Caesar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus learns some new things about Patton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know how to do trigger warnings or what the right way to do this is but this chapter is pretty heavy. I'm warning anyone and everyone that's reading it because it made me cry as I wrote it. So... yeah a warning. 
> 
> Beware.

Remus knew what dying felt like. His death condition was hard to reach but wasn’t impossible. If it weren’t for Patton after the deal with intrusive thoughts video… he wouldn’t be here. I don’t know how Patton knew that I needed him but he was there. He helped me come back from the edge that was ‘death’ for a side.

He wrapped his favorite blanket around him, a blanket that I’d forgotten he’d made for me, and held me. He told me what I needed to hear because even if he had been wrong for the last few years of Thomas’s life, he wasn’t going to let me die. He promised that he’d make it up to me and he was sorry for the way he’d treated him. 

When Janus popped up carrying Patton his heart stopped. Even now, as I stare down at Patton, the trembling in my fingers won’t stop. 

Patton had helped him in his time of need and he’d be damned if he let Patton slip off the same edge that I once had stepped up to.

Janus left about a minute ago but I couldn’t go back to sleep. I know that Janus went to deal with the light sides and the fire burning in his eyes told me just how much he wanted to rip those light sides apart. 

_Why hadn’t they been there for Patton?_ He had always been there for everyone else.

“Janus… emotions… too sharp-” the mumbling shocks me and I glance around the living room before my eyes land on Patton.

“Patton?”

“Strong enough… get him away-” Patton starts thrashing around. It’s too much. Patton needs to be resting.

My hands hesitate before reaching up to brush his temple. Being the darker side of creativity, I have full access to dreams. _Should I?_ Before I can make a final decision I am sucked into Patton’s mind. 

  
  


_Roman._

Why does it always have to Roman?

_Patton is pulled behind Roman as they explore the Imagination. Roman is younger but Patton looks almost the same as he does now, if not a few years younger. The sword in his small hand is huge, and he runs the risk of slicing his hand off. Patton laughs and scoops Roman up in his arms._

_Besides Roman is a younger version of Remus._

_Patton scoops him up into his arms too and continues running. Roman with his sword swinging and Remus with his Morningstar._

I don’t remember this. Did this happen? It doesn’t matter as Remus is swept away. 

_Patton cries as Remus is ripped from his grip. Janus stands opposite Patton and looks just as heartbroken. Everyone but Janus and Patton look younger. Were they always this mature?_

_“It is for the best.” A figure wrapped in shadows says as he hands Remus to Janus._

Who is he?

_“Why? Why why why-” Patton cries out. Trying to reach out to Janus and Remus. To Janus and Virgil. To the dark sides. “Please don’t take them from me! PLEASE!” Patton screams the words as Roman and Logan had a white-knuckled grip on his legs. The three newly minted dark sides sink out of the room and the shadow man disappears._

Were they a family once? Remu is swept along again.

_Patton reading to Roman. Patton playing and encouraging Roman’s creativity. Roman as he comes to Patton, telling him about the boy in green who he found in the Imagination. Patton explains to little Roman that he is his twin brother._

_Roman didn’t want a twin brother. He didn’t want to share the Imagination._

_Patton calmly explained everything and tried to convince Roman that maybe this was for the best. That his twin brother could help him._

_Roman didn’t like that very much._

_It didn’t matter though because Patton gently defended Remus._

Remus watches Roman grow up into the man that he is today. It wasn’t until a few years ago that Patton saw me truly as a dark side. I see as Roman yelled at Patton for making him think he could trust Remus. 

I watch as Roman ignored Patton for a full week until Patton, who had done nothing wrong, apologized to Roman. 

Incident after incident passes before my eyes. Roman’s words cut into Patton like a whip and I watch as slowly that behavior becomes normal to Patton. Patton, who never does anything wrong, ends up apologizing every time. Even when it’s not his fault. 

I watch as Patton tries to fix his mistakes but only gets blamed and ignored.

Then the night of the last video comes around and I can only watch and cry. 

_Patton stands in front of Roman’s door. Apprehension swirls in his eyes and his fist shake as he raises it to knock lightly on the door._

_“Roman, buddy, can I come in?” Patton calls out gently while placing a hand on the doorknob._

_The door is yanked open and Patton is thrown off balance. He manages to get his feet under him as he looks at Roman. “What can I do for you, Patton?” Roman sneers at Patton and crosses his arms in front of him_

_“I -er- I wanted to say sorry Roman. I know I went too far this time and hurt you. You’re still my hero and-” Patton is cut off before he can finish his sentence._

_“Are you still accepting Deceit?” Roman asks the question with a condescending tone._

_Patton gulps and looks side to side before he replies. His shoulders tense up and he raises his arms to protect his midsection. “His name is Janus, Roman, but yes I am still-”_

_“Then I don’t know what the hell you’re doing here! He’s Deceit. The king of lies. The ultimate manipulator. You can’t seriously be thinking about letting him have a seat at the table!”_

Is Patton so bad for wanting to accept the dark sides? Is this how the light sides saw Patton?

_“Of course I am. He cares about Thomas just as much as you and I do and he’s Thomas’s sense of self-preservation. He does what he does to protect Thomas!” Patton defends Janus despite just accepting him. It’s so noble and so like Patton that I’m almost not surprised._

_“I should’ve known you sympathized with the dark sides. Trying to get me to accept and play with Remus? Now defending Deceit? You’re just as bad as they are. You are a manipulator. YOu are a fraud. You are worse than all the dark sides combined. You_ disgust _me.” Roman growls the words and slams the door in Patton’s face._

_Patton’s face is the picture of grief and from the way he grabs his chest, it hurts him as badly as a knife in the back._

How could Roman treat Patton like that? How could he treat the gentlest person in the mind palace? How could he throw away years of knowing Patton like that?

A manipulator? Fraud? Disgusting? Patton was none of those things. If anything, he would’ve thought Roman was describing Janus or myself.

Remus is once again swept away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I split the chapter up into two parts because it was so long.


	6. Julius Caesar: Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus learns some new things about Patton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, another warning. This is a continuation of the last chapter so the warning still stands. And Remus has a little bit of a meltdown so that itself is its own warning. I'm sure you know what I mean by now. 
> 
> Beware!

_ Logan.  _

Did the same thing happen with Logan?

_ Logan clinging to Patton’s and Janus’s hands as he swings between them, babbling about what he was learning. Janus swings Logan up high and catches him in the air before settling him on his hip.  _ _   
  
_

_ Little Remus pops up in front of Patton with a handful of dead spiders. He was always slightly off. “Dad, I’ve slain your enemies!” Patton cringes slightly before nodding and crouching to his level. _

_ “What can you turn them into?” Patton’s tone is gentle and he’s not disgusted by the handful of dead spiders.  _

Patton cared for me? Did I call Patton dad? Why don’t I remember any of this? I  _ want _ to remember this!

_ Remus’s face scrunches up in thought and the spiders in his hand are transformed into blood-red flowers. He holds them out to Patton and Patton laughs softly as he takes them.  _

Is Patton mocking little him?

_ “I love them! They sure make my daisy!” Janus groans and conjures a vase for the flowers.  _

_ “Seriously Patton, I know you’re a dad and all but where do you get these ridiculous puns from?”  _

_ “Oh you know, it’s just one of rose things!” Patton replies, swinging Remus up onto his hip again and sending the flowers in the vase to the kitchen. _

_ Roman and Virgil run up between the two adults  _ (?) _ and grabs their empty hands and pulls them deeper into the Imagination. _

Remus aches for the family scene. He aches for the warmth between the six of them. The scene shifts again and again. Remus watches as Patton teaches Logan to accept himself. To not be as wary of the dark sides as Logan wanted to be. 

The night of the video comes up again and Remus is forced to watch as Logan rips his heart apart.

_ Patton knocks on Logan’s door. His hands are even shakier than before and he has tears in his eyes.  _

This must be after he apologized to Roman, then.

_ Logan opens his door but doesn’t say anything. His gaze is neutral and bores into Patton as he stands there.  _

_ “Logan, can we talk? I wanted to apologize-” Patton starts but once again is cut off before he can finish his apology.  _

_ “I do not need an apology Patton,” Patton’s eyes slowly fill with hope, “because I know it is not genuine. If you were genuinely sorry then you wouldn’t have hurt me in the first place.” The hope is dashed. _

__

_ “No, Logan, please-” tears start to slip silently down his face, “I’m so sorry. So, so, so sorry. You deserve so much more. Please let me make it up to you-” _

_ “I do not understand why you insist on taking up my time, Patton, but enough is enough. Please do not bother me unless you have an  _ actual _ problem. These little heart to hearts with you are just too annoying to continue indulging in.” Logan rips into Patton and tears start to fall in earnest. “Goodbye, Patton.” The door is closed and Patton is left in the hallway alone.  _

How could they not see they were hurting him? Were they so deluded with themselves that they don’t think their actions have consequences?

Did they not care how badly they hurt Patton? Remus is pulled deeper into Patton’s memory. 

_ Virgil. _

How badly did Virgil hurt Patton? I guess I’ll find out.

_ Virgil sits in one of the windows of the mind palace. He doesn’t have eyeshadow on yet though his signature hoodie is on. The hood isn’t pulled up over his head though. He bobs his head to the music playing in his ears and he doesn’t notice Patton approaching him.  _

_ “Buddy?” Patton is gentle and places a soft hand on Virgil’s shoulder. Virgil jumps slightly but other than that he’s not at all apprehensive.  _

_ “Chocolate chips cookies?” Virgil notices the plate in Patton’s other hand and reaches out to grab one. He bites into it and hums. “With nuts?” _

_ “They’re almost as nutty as you,” Patton says softly as he runs a hand through Virgil’s hair. “I hope they bake your day better.” _

_ “Pops!” _

The scene dissolves and leaves a hole in my chest as I reach out. There’s nothing I can do to stop Patton’s memories from devouring us both from the inside though. 

_ “Virgil!” Patton pounds on his door as he sobs. “Virgil please open up! Please!” _

_ Virgil does open the door and the lack of structure causes Patton to fall to the floor. Virgil doesn’t bother to try helping him up. His face is blotchy and red. His eyeshadow is darker than it’s been since his acceptance and his mouth is set in a firm line. “I heard what you did. How could you!? How could you accept Deceit knowing he’s a dark side!” _

_ Patton’s face crumples as he watches Virgil yell at him. “You were a dark side once too.” Patton doesn’t raise his voice to yell back at Virgil. He collects himself and sits back on his feet. “His name is Janus and he’s more than just Deceit.” _

How can Patton be this gentle with the others? After being yelled at, pushed away, and having the door slammed in his face? How can he still defend Janus?

_ “Exactly! I know exactly how evil he is! How slippery! I left for a reason!” Virgil isn’t even bothering to try and keep his voice down. “You don’t value my opinion,” Virgil growls lowly.  _

_ “Of course I do-” Patton tries to defend himself.  _

_ “No, you don’t. You disgust me. You mean nothing to me. I wish I had never called you dad!” Virgil slams the door in Patton’s face. _

_ And Patton crumples, sobbing into his hands as they cover his face.  _

I scream as I try to help Patton. I scream as the words fill Patton’s mind and reverberate around us. 

_ Manipulator. Liar. Disgusting. USELESS. _

My hands leave marks on my arms as I try to wake up. As I try to get us out of this nightmare. 

_ Their emotions are so violent, they’ll cut Janus down if they don’t stop.  _

__

Janus! I need Janus! Patton needs Janus! 

How does Janus usually wake me up in the mornings? 

We need to wake up.

_ Disgusting. _

Blood trails down my arms as I try to remember. 

_ Manipulator.  _

Water. That’s how-

_ Useless.  _

That’s how Janus does it. I try to imagine water dumping down on top of Patton and I’s sleeping forms. 

_ Worthless _ .

Ice-cold water. Oh god please get me out of here. 

  
  
  


I wake up. 

I dry-heave over the side of the couch as I try to collect myself. What do I need to do? I needed to do  _ something! _ OF all the times to not remember. What was it? What was it? What WAS it?

“Janus…” Patton moans out. 

Of course, Janus. We need Janus. I need to go get Janus. I dry Patton out and wrap him back up in my special blanket. 

I stand on shaky legs and barely manage to stabilize myself before I crash to the ground. 

We need Janus. 

  
I ignore my wet clothes and sink out of the living room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that wasn't too heavy for anyone reading it. I love Patton, I really do. So I'll try and aim for some fluff in the next chapter to balance out all this angst. 
> 
> Thanks for reading this far!
> 
> Also if you haven't noticed by now, I'm naming the chapters after Shakespeare plays!


	7. The Two Gentleman of Verona

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did promise fluff but I'm also kind of using this fic as a way to vent some feelings so there's also angst. Enjoy!
> 
> Also, I don't know how to do warnings for fics and what to warn you about but there are some self-deprecating thoughts in this chapter.

It takes a week for Patton to wake up.

  
  


Mumbled words fill my ears and slowly the grey fog fades. The pressure pressing against my chest starts to fade as well, the two warm bodies next to him running it off. 

“...Patton…,” who is talking? And why are they talking about me?

A hand brushes through my hair and my head chases the feeling. 

The mumbling stops. 

“...Patton… wake up… need you,” the words push any remaining fog away and sensation fills my consciousness. 

Two pairs of arms wrap quickly around my torso and another pair pulls me to their chest. Wet limbs, more than one, pull at my wrists and wrap themselves around my arms. Not wet limbs… tentacles? Remus? Why would Remus be hugging me, after everything I did to him? Does that make the other pair of limbs and the chest that I have my head resting on is Janus? 

How can they bear to touch me?

“Patton, are you there? Pops? Daddio? Father?” Desperation leaks into their tone, into Remus’s tone if I can remember right, and I try to open my eyes.

There are no bright lights on and the darkness eases my discomfort. “Remus?” My voice is hoarse, not as bad as it was, but still hoarse.

“Patton,” Remus’s words are strangled and he buries his head in the crook of my neck. 

_ What? _

A figure, Janus I think, moves beside me and sits up to hover over the both of us. “Do you need anything, Patton? Water? Food? I could get something from the kitchen - or the Light side - are there special snacks-”

Janus starts to ramble and I can’t help but smile at the sight. “Janus,” I gently cut him off before he runs out of breath, “water is fine.” 

_ Janus stopped rambling because of you. _

“Okay, water. Water I can do.” He practically jumps off the couch and runs off to get me water.  _ He couldn’t wait to get away from me.  _

“Patton-” Remus’s words choke off and I can feel his arms and torso trembling. The tentacles wrapped tenderly around me tense and then relax a second later. Again. And again. Almost as if they don’t know what they’re supposed to be doing. How they are supposed to defend Remus against his feelings.

“I’m here Remus,” I wrap my arms around his shoulders and tuck him in closer to my side.  _ Why does he care? _

“Patton, Patton, Patton,” he chants my name like a prayer. He sobs into my shoulder and practically lays on top of me. His spine sticks out as I rub my hands over his back and his hair isn’t half as gross as I thought it would be. My fingers rub his scalp and note that the greasy hair was an illusion to freak the Light sides out.

_ Am I still a Light side?  _

“I don’t want you to die,” Remus starts to ramble and I don’t stop him. “You didn’t let me die so - how did they not see it! I went into your dreams - it was an accident - I didn’t mean to. Is that invasive? I don’t know. I don’t know Patton! But you would. You’re morality - you’re important and needed and - oh god - we could have lost you -” his words are choked again and he takes a deep breath.

_ What dreams?  _ Oh, those. Oh, poor Remus. They were never supposed to remember what it was like before the split. “Remus, it’s okay,” I have to make sure he’s alright before he starts rambling again. “It’s okay. I’m not mad. I’m more concerned about how you’re feeling after, well, after seeing-”

“I want to call you Dad again,” Remus looks up at me with red-rimmed eyes. “I want to be as close to you as I can. I want to remember what it was like before,” he pauses and looks off to the side. “What was that? Who was that? How could they take you away from me? Why would he want to?”

“You were never supposed to remember,” I whisper back to him.

“But why?” Remus stares deeply into my eyes, looking for the truth. 

My voice catches in my throat and I can do nothing but stare back.

“Because then the split wouldn’t have been as effective,” Janus’ words flow over both of us and wash the unresolved tension to the side.

“You knew!?” Remus looks like he wants to rage and break something. He sits back on his heels and his arms slip away from me. As do his tentacles as he prepares to berate Janus. 

_ Oh.  _ The pain. I had nearly forgotten what it felt like.

The monster beneath my chest wakes up at the loss of touch. He was never satisfied before so why should he be now? It was always a struggle to hide his constant need for touch from the others when they didn’t know about it. How hard would it be not to force his wants to touch on two people who know about it?

The claws roughly slide along the inside of my chest and the howling of the rabid beast makes my ears ring. My attention slips away and I am caught up in the maelstrom that is my personal hell. 

* * *

  
  


“You knew!?” 

“Of course I knew,” I try to keep my voice calm and keep the deceit out of my voice. But fighting against my internal nature has always been hard. 

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why - ”

“Because you weren’t supposed to know. The split was designed and executed in such a way that we didn’t have a choice! Do you think that I wanted you to go through that pain? That Patton did!?” I end up shouting at him. Why didn’t we have this discussion before Patton woke up?

“And you just thought it was okay to take our memories like that! Do the others remember what I can’t?” I know that Remus is hurt. I know that I need to take a step back. I know.

“Does - “ my words cut off as Remus and I hear a small whimper. 

_ Patton.  _ The fight goes out of me as I realize what we’ve done.

“Patton,” Remus voices my thoughts and rushes to fill the spot beside Patton

We’ve left him alone. Again. We let him suffer. Again

Recognition slowly filters into Patton’s gaze as Remus holds him. “We’re so sorry Patton. We didn’t mean to leave you alone. We don’t want to hurt you. We’re sorry. So sorry,” Remus once again has his head tucked into Patton’s shoulder and continues his rambling apologies. 

“It’s okay Remus-”

“But it’s not okay,” one deep breath. “We failed you,” another deep breath. “We  _ don’t  _ intend on helping you until you recover,” a confession. “We  _ won’t _ take care of you,” two confessions.

“We love you, Patton,” the third confession from Remus is what it takes for Patton to break down.

But that’s okay because we’ll take care of him until he realizes he’s worth more than he thinks he does.

We have time. 

And if the mental loops that we all experienced in the last few minutes end in the three of us snuggling and taking a nap on the enlarged couch for the rest of the day? Well, no one else knows but the three of us. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I didn't update sooner but finals hit last week and I wasn't sure where to go after the first 6 chapters. 
> 
> But don't worry, I do have the next chapter in mind and it should be up within a week or two!
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	8. Timon of Athens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A confrontation initiated by the light sides.
> 
> Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Virgil's pov for a while and there are some other notes at the end of this chapter addressing my upload schedule. 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy it!
> 
> Also, I know this is very short. Shorter than the other chapters are and that will also be addressed at the end of the chapter. 
> 
> Feedback is appreciated!

It takes us nearly a week before they can get into the dark side's living room. 

7 days of Roman complain about Janus and Remus. How they’ve infected Patton. CHanged Patton. 

7 days of Logan becoming increasingly monotone as he works against the dark sides’ power. His voice losing what little emotion it has.

7 days of longing for Patton and his cooking. His cleaning. The little things that he did for us that we never noticed. 7 days of misery and desperation. 7 days of pained grunts as they fought against the infernal barrier. 7 days of agony running through their veins as they fought wave after wave of mindspace magic. 7 days of aching backs as they pushed against the wall of shadows. 7 days of blistered feet as they held their ground against the defensive measure. 

Until finally,  _ finally, _ we breakthrough. We can enter the dark side’s living room. 

And we encounter a foreign sight. 

Roman waves his hand and the dark room lights up, small balls of light in all the corners. The piercing light wakes the occupants if the shifting motions are any indication. 

Patton buries his head in Janus’ shoulder and his arms tighten around Remus’s body, who is currently laying on his chest. His legs, which are tangled with the other two, shift and stretch out.  _ Almost like a cat. _ Remus buries his face in Patton’s chest and groans as the light roughly wake him up. His tentacles tighten around Janus and Patton, shifting and blindly reach for their bodies gently. Almost as if he were subconsciously making sure that the other two were still there, safe and not injured.  _ Why does Remus care? _ Janus groans roughly, his deep voice echoing around them as he wakes up. His arms are trapped around Patton and Remus, though he doesn’t even try to move them. He blinks slowly and takes in the scene before him. That is until he fully comprehends what is happening. 

He sits up violently and hisses at the three of us. 

_ Why does he find us so threatening? _

“Nus?” A sleepy voice cuts through the tension in the room and leaves me reeling. 

“Remus, wake up.” Janus’ words are said through clenched teeth and his arms tighten around the other two on the couch. “Wake up now.” The words echo around the living room and the three light sides, I included, clutch at our heads in pain and fall to the floor

_ Since when was he able to do that? _

When the pain recedes, we are left on our knees looking up at a furious Janus and an even angrier Remus.

_ God help us now. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! So I'm sorry it took me so long to get this out to you guys. I have a really heavy course load right now so uploads will be slower but hopefully not shorter in length. 
> 
> This one is the exception to that hope because I wanted to give you guys something after a month of inactivity. 
> 
> Kudos, comment, and bookmark if you enjoy the story!
> 
> Also, I read the comments and I love feedback so don't be shy in commenting and telling me what you think! Or even where you see the story going. I can't promise I'll respond to them all but I will try. 
> 
> Thank you and I hope you enjoyed this, albeit short, chapter.


	9. Timon of Athens (Part two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before the dark sides intercepted Patton's almost death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! So this chapter is jumping back to the beginning, even before the first chapter. More notes at the end but I think there should be a warning on this chapter.
> 
> Just be aware that this chapter does contain some self-deprecating thoughts and describes some pain so just watch out for that. Don't read it if it's going to affect you in a negative way.

The only reason that I knew about the meeting was because Janus walked by my door with Remus talking about it. 

“Roman has been even more desperate than usual,” Remus murmurs on the other side of my door. “He’s being as pleasant as  _ nails on a chalkboard! _ ”

The sound of screeching nails rings in my ears and I wince. 

“I  _ don’t understand _ at all. He’s been downright  _ cheerful _ to me all week.”

Janus’ lies don’t make my skin crawl like usual.  _ When was the last time he lied to me? _

_ “ _ Do you think it has anything to do with… with Patton? _ ”  _ Remus’s uncertain tone clenches my heart in a vice and I can’t stop myself from opening the door. 

“Hello, fellow sides!” Smile and tilt your chin.  _ Is my smile genuine?  _ Be just a little eccentric and quirky.  _ Does it matter? _

“ _ Ahhh _ … oh it’s only you Patton,” Remus’s scream cuts out almost immediately after I wince from the headache. 

“Well hit the Patton button, it’s my favorite dark sides!” And that’s not even a lie. Not really. Not when they’re the only ones that have treated me normally since the meltdown.

Remus grins and nudges Janus’ arm, “how could you ever think you’re the master of puns when we have Patton right in front of us!”

Janus just rolls his eyes before looking at me, his one slitted iris fixed on my face. “How are you feeling, Patton?”

“I’m feeling-”  _ fine. _ I’m fine. I’m perfectly fine. It’s not me that was hurt the other night after all. It’s not like the monster in my chest is starting to wake up. It’s not like I flinch every time I hear Roman yelling at me to stop knocking on his door. It’s not like I recoil every time Logan announces that feelings aren’t necessary right now. It’s not like I cringe every time I feel waves of hatred coming from Virgil’s room. 

I guess I’m not as okay as I thought I was.

“I’m adjusting,” is what I end up saying, unable to lie to Janus.  _ And how ironic is that? _

Because it is an adjustment. I’m adjusting to Logan’s disregarding and emotionless nature. Logan’s disdain for anything sentimental. I’m adjusting to Roman’s harsh and cutting words that carve into my arms. Roman’s unintentional attacks. I’m adjusting to Virgil’s cold shoulder. Virgil’s cold, dead stare. Virgil’s loathing. 

It’s most certainly an adjustment from what we used to be. 

“Is that so?” Janus hums quietly before moving past my answer. “Well, may I escort you to the living room? We have both been called for a meeting and I  _ assume _ that you have been summoned as well.”

A meeting? _ They didn’t summon me at all. _

“Of course! You’ve hit the nail-” the moment the word is out of my mouth Remus repeats it. 

“ _ Nails! _ ” The sound of nails fills the hallway and I squeeze the edge of the doorway as I try to think around the noise.

“You’ve hit the nail on the head, Remus,” my words are strained as my vision goes fuzzy. The sound of the nails ringing in my ears loosen whatever control I had over the monster in my chest. A sharp intake of air later and I can feel my blood pounding in my ears.“I’m truly head over nails for your creativity Remus.”  _ Breathe Patton. _

_ In. Out. You can do this. You taught Virgil how to do this. Think Patton.  _

The piercing noise disappears and I am left reeling in the silence.

“Are you serious?” Remus’s trembling words give me the strength to open my eyes and smile at the man. 

“Of course! I-”

“We should get going so why don’t we continue this conversation as we walk?” Janus’ words are not ungentle nor are they harsh. 

They don’t hurt.  _ Why is it surprising? _

“Oh, yes!” My hands flutter as I step out of my room and close the door behind me. 

“I’m really sorry, Patton! I didn’t mean to hurt you! Do you believe me? Maybe you don’t but that’s okay. Do you think there are any cookies left in the kitchen?” Remus’s tone is light but beneath it is an undercurrent of guilt. His questions mask his longing to be accepted. 

_ Is that my fault too? _

“Of course I forgive you, Remus! I wouldn’t blame you for something that makes you, well… you!” I look Remus in the eyes as we walk the length of the hallway, making sure he knows that my words are sincere. “As for the cookies, I think someone baked a batch last night so there should be some left for you.” I know for a fact that there are cookies because I couldn’t sleep last night and so I baked several batches. Some for the other sides and some for my rainy day cookie stash. 

We walk the rest of the way in contemplative silence. Janus and Remus stealing looks at me, almost as if they think that I can’t see them. 

Their emotions are saturated with confusion and almost makes me ask out loud what has them so confused. 

But I don’t.  _ Do the others even know how connected I am with the emotions in the mind palace? With their emotions?  _

“Guess who’s back?” I try to sound at least a little bit enthusiastic. I have to pretend everything is normal. What else is there to do?

“Oh, it’s  _ you guys _ ,” Roman sneers the words and his hand rests on the hilt of his sword at his waist. 

“Back again,” Remus’s quiet words beside me fill me with hope as he quickly turns away and goes to find the aforementioned cookies. 

Janus stares at Roman and glances at Remus’s back. “You sound  _ thrilled _ to see Remus and me.” 

“I would rather none of you came to these meetings but I was vetoed by calculator over there,” Roman points at Logan across the living room. With the dark sides distracted and looking away, Roman sneers at me and glares at me with disgust. 

And how powerful his glare is. Sometimes I think that he forgets he is creativity. That his thoughts can turn to action in a second. At least that’s what I hope as heat travels along my body, burning and branding my shoulders.  _ Do they carry the weight of this world? _ As hot pinpricks of pain are hidden by a practiced smile.  _ Did he even notice that he’s hurting me?  _ The burn wakes the monster in my chest and I am no longer just burning on the outside. My blood feels like boiling lava as it slides through my veins. 

It is only when Roman looks away that the pain starts to die down. My brain is throbbing now and so are my limbs, coated in imaginary burns.

The pain distracts me for a while. Long enough for the meeting to start.

The meeting continues like normal. Normal for the current state of the mind palace anyways. 

Logan starts the meeting. He was the one to suggest they started to meet like this, to discuss Thomas’s issues while not being recorded. It had something to do with the practicality of airing out Thomas’s issues and how little would be done if they only handled the issues during a video. 

It made sense at the time, it still does.

For the most part, I don’t speak. I don’t comment or try my hand at any puns. Not even when Virgil mentions that Thomas is considering getting a dog again. And what a paw-esome opportunity that was!

But the moment the words were out of Virgil’s mouth, he turned his heated glare on me and practically dared me to share my thoughts. To share what I was thinking so he could rip me apart. What a dog-gone it way for him to tell me that he still hates me. 

It hurts more than I’m willing to admit. 

And so I sit on the sofa, in the corner, sipping my luke-warm hot chocolate. And the moment Logan decides the meeting is over, I flee the room. 

I don’t need to be told that I’m not wanted. 

I don’t go to the next meeting or the meeting after that. The positive emotions rolling through the mindspace tell their own story. They were healing, in their own way. 

They were moving on with Thomas’s life.

I stopped expecting them to show up for meals after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for sticking with this story! I do feel bad for everything that I'm putting Patton through but it will all work out in the end. 
> 
> Like I said in the beginning, this is sort of background information for Patton. Especially for upcoming chapters. I thought it appropriate that you guys were sorta aware of what happened in the past so as to better understand the present. I also haven't decided how mad Janus and mad Remus are going to behave so there's that too. 
> 
> I did separate the Timon of Athens portion into multiple parts because I really think that the meaning behind the play is pretty unique and I wanted to do several different things with it. The general gist of the play is as follows:
> 
> "Wealthy and popular, Timon of Athens helps his friends, gives many gifts, and holds a feast. After ignoring his true friends' warnings, Timon runs out of money, and none of his "friends" will help him. He runs away to a cave where he curses humanity, finds gold, funds someone to destroy Athens, and dies."
> 
> “Timon of Athens.” Shakespeare Birthplace Trust, 2016, www.shakespeare.org.uk/explore-shakespeare/shakespedia/shakespeares-plays/timon-athens/. Accessed 9 Feb. 2021.
> 
> A citation and everything, just in case you wanted to go and see where I found that information. Anyways I think that's interesting and definitely plays into why I split up the chapter title into multiple parts. 
> 
> Kudos, comment, and bookmark! 
> 
> I enjoy the feedback so don't be hesitant to comment and tell me what you think!


	10. Just a quick note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just an author's note. Don't read if you don't want to but there will be information regarding my upload schedule and where the story is going.

Hello everyone! 

So, as some of you know, I haven't been posting regularly and that's because of school. I have a lot on my schedule right now and while this fic is really important to me, it's not the most important thing. 

That being said, I also have some good news! I think I'll start uploading chapters on the 9th or the 10th of each month. A regular and kind of spaced-out schedule may help me get the content to you guys.   
  
  
What are your thoughts on the schedule? Concerns? Feedback?

The other thing I wanted to ask you, the reader, is where you think the story is heading and anything about the story that you would think would be a good addition. I have a pretty good idea of how I want to continue and finish this story but I'd love to hear any and all feedback you guys have!

Even include headcanons that may or may not relate to the story in the comments. 

The next chapter should be out later tonight or tomorrow. 

Thank you for reading this far! I really appreciate it!


	11. Timon Athens (Part 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The light sides and the dark sides.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't actually like the way I ended this chapter so it may be changed depending on how I feel.

I know something is wrong the minute violent light wakes the three of us up. I bury my head in Patton’s chest to block the assault on my eyeballs. But it isn’t until Janus demands that I wake up that I pay attention. 

“Remus, wake up.” I raise my head and when I open my eyes I see  _ them. _

“Wake up now.” He doesn’t need to tell me twice. I scoop a waking Patton into my arms and sink through the inky blackness to my room. 

“Patton, do you think you’ll be okay if Janus and I leave you in here for a while?” I have to make sure that he’s safe. I have to make sure that they can’t hurt him again. 

“Remus?” Patton sounds confused for a second, barely registering my whispered words. I wait until he can fully understand the situation enough to give me an answer. I can tell when my question clicks in his brain. He nods slightly and I wrap my blanket, the one Patton made for me, around him.  _ Did he make one for himself? _ “I think I’ll be okay...” he yawns and snuggles into the multiple pillows I have on my bed. I walk around the perimeter of my room gathering all the stuffed animals and blankets that I can find. 

Patton is asleep again by the time I am done. I pile the blankets I found on top of him and surround him with stuffed animals. 

I step back and look at my work. A small smile comes to my mouth as I see the nest I’ve created with Patton at its center. Pillows surround him and support his sleeping body. Stuffed animals are placed with care around him and I’ve piled blanket after blanket on Patton’s sleeping form.

The walls of my room, ever-shifting and not quite un-alive, reach gently for Patton. A tendril of darkness runs through Patton’s hair and Patton leans into the touch. 

The smile slips from my face as I remember the reasons why Patton is so desperate for touch are in the living room with Janus. 

With a lingering glance, I sink back to the living room to stand by Janus, our signature outfits in place. Fury rolls off him in waves and the piercing sounds that were affecting only the light sides fade away. 

The sound didn’t affect Patton.  _ Is he still a light side? _

“What do  _ you  _ want?” Janus sneers. 

“We want- ” Virgil’s voice trembles as he looks up from his kneeling position. “We want Patton back.”

“ _ And I want a collection of your toes! _ ” I shout gleefully, my mind spinning with ideas of how to make them pay.

“Unfortunately, we don’t always get what we want,” Janus asserts, his eyes never leaving the light sides pitiful forms. 

“You will give us Patton!” Roman bellows. He uses his sword to pull himself to a standing position. He remains leaning on the weapon after getting to his feet. Did the sounds hurt him that badly? Oh, the poor  _ baby. _

“ _ Absolutely, _ ” Janus stalks forwards, crossing the invisible line that had been drawn. 

I follow Janus’ lead and circle the light sides. Two of which can’t get off the floor. 

“What do you want from us?” Virgil pleads. 

They didn’t care when Patton pleaded with them to forgive him. Why should we? 

“We want you to  _ stay and talk with us. We want you to talk to Patton  _ and apologize!” The lies suffocate the 3 light sides and Roman stumbles under the weight of Janus’ words.

“Why do you want us to apologize?” Virgil doesn’t even bother trying to get off the floor. He struggles to get the words out, confusion clear as day in his voice.

“Don’t you know what you’ve done to Patton?” Why is he confused? Doesn’t he know?  _ Doesn’t he know that they almost killed him? _ _   
  
_

“No, I don’t!” Virgil screams and his eyeshadow darkens even further. “I don’t know what Patton is going through! I don’t know why you have him! I don’t know why you are all so angry and I _don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it!_ ” Virgil’s double-speak reverberates in the room and rings in my ears. 

“You abandoned him.” It’s only a sentence. Janus whispers it but the words are clear as day.

“We did not abandon-” Logan starts to say but the refusal to take responsibility for their actions tears at something in my chest.

“ _ You abandoned him, _ ” I brand the words in their minds. Making the words register and mean more than I ever thought I could. “ _ You tore his heart out of his chest! _ ” I imagine the blood on their hands, dripping and pooling beneath them. 

“You are the  _ best of people! _ ” The lie follows my attack and finally brings Roman to his knees.

I banish the bright lights that Roman had created and the shadows in the corners reach for the light sides on their knees. My tentacles, which had slipped out of my sleeves at some point, glow softly.

“How would you feel if you had been  _ left alone and hurting? _ ” My words coil around them and slip through their ears. 

Image after image flashes through my mind and to theirs. 

_ Logan.  _

We could have been great together. Creativity backed by knowledge and understanding. Truly it would’ve been a glorious sight to behold.

If only he wasn’t so superficial and judgemental.

I grin in satisfaction as I watch Logan spiral in his mind. His imagination and knowledge replaced my own. 

_ Roman. _

When did things go wrong between the two of us? 

I think about our past as I watch him curl into himself, tightening his grip on his grossly extravagant outfit.

Memories and thoughts of being mocked combine with Patton’s own memories of dying to create a particularly horrific nightmare for the prince.

_ Virgil. _

Virgil raises his head to look at me, his eyes full of sorrow and guilt. 

“Do you know what you’ve done?” I crouch slightly and grab his chin. 

“ _ Yes. _ ” The words reverberate around us and I take in the images running through his head. 

He’s never needed me to place situations and images in his head. He does that well enough on his own. 

“Leave. And don’t come back.” Janus puts his head on my shoulder and I let go of Virgil. 

“But Patton-” Logan starts to say but Virgil beats him to it. 

“Tell Patton to come to talk to us when he’s ready?” 

  
I don’t say anything or give any indication that I’ve heard him. They don’t deserve to even see Patton again. Not with what they’ve done and how they’ve treated him. 

“Virgil you can’t-” Roman whips his head around to look at Virgil. 

Roman doesn’t get to finish his sentence as Virgil grabs the other two and sinks out of the living room.

Janus breaks the silence and tugs my shoulder so I’m facing him. “Patton?”

“Asleep and safe.” 

I sink out of the room without saying anything else and change my clothing along the way. There’s no possible way that I won’t be passing out after seeing the light sides.

“Take a nap, Remus,” Janus pops up in my room a couple of seconds after I do. “Sleep and we’ll talk about it when you wake up.”

“What about you?” I ask the question as I climb into the bed, next to Patton. Sliding under the covers and rearranging the stuffed animals so I won’t be sleeping on them. 

“I’ll be right here, watching over you guys,” Janus pulls a book from the air and conjures a comfortable armchair next to the bed. “Sleep, Remus.”

And so, with the comfort of Patton next to me and Janus sitting beside the bed, I let go of my emotions and fall into a blissful subconscious state. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far!


End file.
